Thursday, April 4, 2013
These moments are sacred to me.
Today, I felt defeated. I experienced the pang of my hope being dispirited by my own shadow self. I whispered to the world, "I'll never be able to do this; I'm throwing in the towel." Within seconds of this I turned a corner and when I saw who was walking toward me I instantly wanted to cry, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that this person was placed in front of me in this very place, in this very moment, for a very specific purpose that changed the trajectory of my life. She effortlessly removed this bitter phrase of self doubt and in its place sowed seeds of strength and encouragement. It's rare moments such as this one, I feel so aware of The Spirit, in all its Holiness that my soul aches. These moments are sacred to me. God is always on time.
Friday, March 2, 2012
When does this happen?
So, one of my best friends is getting married in May, Cinco de Mayo to be exact (it was the first available Saturday in May) Anyway... Laura is getting married in two months. Crazy. We are celebrating her bachelorette party next weekend in Vivaaaaa Las Vegas (it's more fun if you sing it that way) I was told to put together something special for her, my own memory book of the two of us. The past few days I've been looking at old photos and I just can't believe it. We always say, "Oh man, where does the time go?" I actually really meant it this time, where did the time go? When does this happen?
These pictures have transported me; looking at our childish, (in my case) round, innocent, happy faces... I just, I can't believe it. With each photo I can go back to that exact moment in our lives....
-Posing for a snapshot in the 5th grade breeze-way (we were 4th graders at best)
-Sea shell hunting in Mexico with our girl scout troupe
-Our 5th grade band recital (we only played the clarinet for like a semester then we quit)
-Funny pictures from 6th grade camp on Mt. Lemmon
-Standing by the flag pole on our last day of being 7th graders
-Hanging out in Mr. V's class on our last day of being 8th graders
-Standing in front of an important person's grave on our 8th grade field trip (I can't remember who was buried there because we were too busy attempting to flirt with a boy who was also on his 8th grade field trip... we nick-named him the black stallion. This attempt was unsuccessful, we had better luck at the air and space museum... God bless our chaperons.)
-Driving the quads out to the homestead on my Grandma's ranch
-Mouth full of toothpaste before bedtime on our regular sleep-overs
-Proudly posing before our first real high school party
-Surprise trip to California for Katelyn's birthday, when Laura and I decided, "... we only ride ze best waves!"
-The night we spent at The Hilton El Conquistador so we could watch the band Ryanhood play poolside (we were so cool)
-A clear fashion record of freshman, sophomore, junior and senior formals
-Looking sassy for our first time partying as college kids
-Our moments of freedom when we turned 21
My favorite picture of Laura and I was taken on the night of our High School graduation; we are standing in the middle of the field among a shimmering sea of purple people eaters. I have what seems like millions of pictures with Laura and I don't know why but I LOVE this picture. I think it just captures us.
...the list goes on. These are only the pictures I've stumbled upon, it's only a scratch to the surface of the memories that we have made. Somewhere between the 2nd grade and now, Laura and I, we grew up.
I repeat: When does this happen?
Four moments compete for the memories I WISH I had a picture of.
1. The night when Katelyn and I couldn't fall asleep so we crept like ninjas to stick maxi-pads all over Laura; and because that wasn't good enough lobbed tampons at her from across the room. With the ammo we used we were sure she would have been set on supplies up til menopause. Laura did not think this was funny at all, she was actually kind of pissed off about it... Katelyn and I laughed until we cried. (Maybe 14)
2. The moment when Laura literally peed her pants because we were sure one the gardeners from 49ers was trying to murder us with his weed-wacker in broad daylight. To this day I'm convinced that's what would have happened if we didn't make a run for it... he was coming straight at us in his golf cart, weed-wacker at the ready. (Maybe 12)
3. The day that Laura said, in so many words, that we were too old to be going out back and make weird mud pies from dry dirt and mesquite leaves. I remember this moment vividly, Katelyn and I were stunned. Laura... was too old to play make believe? What? At some point, I don't know when, Katelyn and I were too old as well, to be going out back to make weird mud pies. Laura was the first of us to grow up, and she will be the first of our best friend trio to get married. (I can't remember how old)
4. The past few months Laura and I have been meeting every Thursday at 3:30 to walk through Sabino Canyon, I cherish this routine. With the exception of the Thursday when I was sick so we just sat at gabbed, and this last Thursday when we went to go pick up her wedding shoes along with some spanx for under her wedding dress that wouldn't TOTALLY freak Marc out; with the exception of these two Thursdays we have been walking through the desert that we call home. We walk and talk about anything and everything. It feels like it did when were younger and used to hang out every weekend, without fail. As May 5th draws nearer, I spend my Thursdays hiding weepy eyes under ridiculous sunglasses; this is not a sad action, as if to say that Laura getting married means an end to the way of our friendship, it's a happy realization of... Who is this beautiful woman to my left (we have assigned sides) and how did I get the privilege of being one of her best friends for the last 16 years. Laura is kind and smart, she is so giving and wonderful, she is beautiful beyond belief and she is above all, a good person. I love this woman. I love my Thursdays with Laura and I wish I had a picture of it.
I'm not sure when this happens, growing older. I'm only sure of how blessed I am, I am so blessed by wonderful enduring friendships and a beautiful family. Thank you God.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Can we open our eyes for you?
"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation. Yes we can. It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom. Yes we can. It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness. Yes we can. It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land. Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world.
We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can sand the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics they will only grow louder and more dissonant. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.
The hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggest; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea - Yes. We. Can." -Barack Obama
My President was there for me today. This morning I listened to this speech of his on repeat, in eager anticipation for the soothing words I was so passionate to receive later in the day. These are words that I often refer to, "...whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world." After today I now have words that not only give me hope, but will continue to both inspire and challenge me.
I knew that I would be seeing my President in person today. It didn't feel that way at certain points in the day, but throughout the day the soul of the universe sewed seeds of supervision.
Super fun made up games. Snackers. Starbucks. Sweat. Suspense. Stuffed like sardines. Security. Success.
While the last people were filing in, the camera focused in on various people and the crowd would applaud. They showed the surgeon, applause. The intern, applause. The woman who knocked the magazine away from the gunman, applause. One of the men who tackled the gunman, applause. As the camera focused in on my grandfather, I held my breath, instantly terrified for what might happen next, then... everyone cheered, he waved, it was beautiful. As this happened my cousin was overcome with emotion, I myself choking back big fat salty tears. In the numerous hours we spent waiting outside, she shared with me that over the years Grandpa had become the man in her life who would one day be the one to walk her down the aisle. On the car ride home I asked her what her favorite moment of the day was, she sweetly said it was when they showed Grandpa on the television, I couldn't have agreed more. It was a reassuring moment for me, I knew it would be for our family too.
An announcement was made: Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated, we will begin in approximately five minutes. "Thank you five," I thought. You could sense the room beginning to swell with joy, with love, with the hope that our President so evidently wants us to experience for ourselves. Barack and Michelle Obama entered. The crowd irrupted. Their effortless presence orchestrated a symphony in where all of the players were harmoniously in-tune with one another, as if everyone were desperately responding to say.. "Dad, mom... we needed you."
I was so happy that Daniel Hernandez was seated at the right hand of the President. The camera captured moments of one-sided whispers, I was curious to know what our President was saying to our hero : ) When Daniel got a chance to speak one of the things he talked about was his own idea of heroism. He expressed his gratitude for the heroism of those who devote their lives to public service, like Gabby and Judge Roll. While honoring the heroes of Saturday morning, he took my thoughts to the heroes of our own community, those who go noticed and unnoticed. I instantly thought of my father who once told me, and always showed me, the importance of giving back to the community that raised you.
As our Governor Jan Brewer took the stage, along with scattered groups of people, before I even had a chance to weigh my options, I was surprised to find myself rising up to meet her, while saying aloud "...she has a family." If there's anything I have learned within the past few days, it is the active awareness that is so necessary in any and every interaction we take part in, it is the sincere consideration we have for another human life, it is the respect for oneself and the respect for others that is so simple to remember and too simple to forget. She spoke wonderfully.
More spoke. Our girl Janet delivered a reading, the very same verse that was holding me up on Sunday night, it specifically gives comfort for God's people... "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Much of the time when something extremely traumatic or in this case extremely important is happening to me, I will forget what happened... which is partially the reason for this, another reason being my Dad wanted me to email him my memory of today. So when the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama approached the podium... I made an extreme effort to bottle that moment. I gave myself a wonderful gift when I allowed myself to fully live in that moment, to I let myself revel in the, "... words I was so passionate to receive."
He began his speech with saying that he came here tonight as an American, who like all Americans would kneel with us today and stand by us tomorrow. I most clearly remember him speaking of how we can be better, we can do better; and specifically remember him saying... "But at a time when our discourse has become so sharply polarized - at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently than we do - it's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds." I remember how he spoke of Christina. All that needs to be said about this beautiful angel is best described the way my friend Ellie explained... "There is no rain in Heaven, only the puddles."
With the permission of Mark, he gave us and update on Gabby. Before I say more... Looking at Mark, his eyes told the story of what has happened and the story of the road which lies ahead. Mr. Obama said that minutes after he left her, Gabby opened her eyes for the first time. "It's a miracle," is all I could get out. It is a miracle.
There were many parts to this memorial, all were beautiful. In my opinion, the reason it turned out to be so lovely was because after all that has happened in the past few days... after several days of controversy and unrest... we spent today rooting for each other, not waiting for our neighbor to mess up. Much has happened between Saturday, January 8th, and now. My world will never be the same, thank God. In moving forward I ask myself, how can I love more, how can we carry this into the future, how can we make our democracy the way that Christina imagined it to be?
Politics aside, honest... today was the most convincing moment of hope in my life.
Together we thrive, Tucson & America.
Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world.
We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can sand the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics they will only grow louder and more dissonant. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.
The hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggest; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea - Yes. We. Can." -Barack Obama
My President was there for me today. This morning I listened to this speech of his on repeat, in eager anticipation for the soothing words I was so passionate to receive later in the day. These are words that I often refer to, "...whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world." After today I now have words that not only give me hope, but will continue to both inspire and challenge me.
I knew that I would be seeing my President in person today. It didn't feel that way at certain points in the day, but throughout the day the soul of the universe sewed seeds of supervision.
Super fun made up games. Snackers. Starbucks. Sweat. Suspense. Stuffed like sardines. Security. Success.
While the last people were filing in, the camera focused in on various people and the crowd would applaud. They showed the surgeon, applause. The intern, applause. The woman who knocked the magazine away from the gunman, applause. One of the men who tackled the gunman, applause. As the camera focused in on my grandfather, I held my breath, instantly terrified for what might happen next, then... everyone cheered, he waved, it was beautiful. As this happened my cousin was overcome with emotion, I myself choking back big fat salty tears. In the numerous hours we spent waiting outside, she shared with me that over the years Grandpa had become the man in her life who would one day be the one to walk her down the aisle. On the car ride home I asked her what her favorite moment of the day was, she sweetly said it was when they showed Grandpa on the television, I couldn't have agreed more. It was a reassuring moment for me, I knew it would be for our family too.
An announcement was made: Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated, we will begin in approximately five minutes. "Thank you five," I thought. You could sense the room beginning to swell with joy, with love, with the hope that our President so evidently wants us to experience for ourselves. Barack and Michelle Obama entered. The crowd irrupted. Their effortless presence orchestrated a symphony in where all of the players were harmoniously in-tune with one another, as if everyone were desperately responding to say.. "Dad, mom... we needed you."
I was so happy that Daniel Hernandez was seated at the right hand of the President. The camera captured moments of one-sided whispers, I was curious to know what our President was saying to our hero : ) When Daniel got a chance to speak one of the things he talked about was his own idea of heroism. He expressed his gratitude for the heroism of those who devote their lives to public service, like Gabby and Judge Roll. While honoring the heroes of Saturday morning, he took my thoughts to the heroes of our own community, those who go noticed and unnoticed. I instantly thought of my father who once told me, and always showed me, the importance of giving back to the community that raised you.
As our Governor Jan Brewer took the stage, along with scattered groups of people, before I even had a chance to weigh my options, I was surprised to find myself rising up to meet her, while saying aloud "...she has a family." If there's anything I have learned within the past few days, it is the active awareness that is so necessary in any and every interaction we take part in, it is the sincere consideration we have for another human life, it is the respect for oneself and the respect for others that is so simple to remember and too simple to forget. She spoke wonderfully.
More spoke. Our girl Janet delivered a reading, the very same verse that was holding me up on Sunday night, it specifically gives comfort for God's people... "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Much of the time when something extremely traumatic or in this case extremely important is happening to me, I will forget what happened... which is partially the reason for this, another reason being my Dad wanted me to email him my memory of today. So when the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama approached the podium... I made an extreme effort to bottle that moment. I gave myself a wonderful gift when I allowed myself to fully live in that moment, to I let myself revel in the, "... words I was so passionate to receive."
He began his speech with saying that he came here tonight as an American, who like all Americans would kneel with us today and stand by us tomorrow. I most clearly remember him speaking of how we can be better, we can do better; and specifically remember him saying... "But at a time when our discourse has become so sharply polarized - at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently than we do - it's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds." I remember how he spoke of Christina. All that needs to be said about this beautiful angel is best described the way my friend Ellie explained... "There is no rain in Heaven, only the puddles."
With the permission of Mark, he gave us and update on Gabby. Before I say more... Looking at Mark, his eyes told the story of what has happened and the story of the road which lies ahead. Mr. Obama said that minutes after he left her, Gabby opened her eyes for the first time. "It's a miracle," is all I could get out. It is a miracle.
There were many parts to this memorial, all were beautiful. In my opinion, the reason it turned out to be so lovely was because after all that has happened in the past few days... after several days of controversy and unrest... we spent today rooting for each other, not waiting for our neighbor to mess up. Much has happened between Saturday, January 8th, and now. My world will never be the same, thank God. In moving forward I ask myself, how can I love more, how can we carry this into the future, how can we make our democracy the way that Christina imagined it to be?
Politics aside, honest... today was the most convincing moment of hope in my life.
Together we thrive, Tucson & America.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The dolphins and the sharks.
Every summer my family spends a week in San Diego; our daily plans are predictable in a comforting sort of way. We eat, live, and breathe the ocean. I love, I will repeat this, LOVE the ocean… but It never fails, my first day back into the water I'm plagued with anxiety. As I step into the Pacific, my breathing takes on a life of its own, adapting an almost hiccup-like rhythm, and with each forward push my toxic blood pulsates violently through my veins and my heart feels like it's going to fall out of my butt; and yet, I force myself ahead.
It doesn't help that at this time I'm struggling to delete whatever scenes I have saved up from that son of a Mitch movie, Jaws. After this movie, I could no longer fully enjoy dolphin sightings from inside the same water, because while I am able to differentiate the dorsal fin of a dolphin from that of a shark… by the time I've spotted its peak I'm halfway to The Democratic Republic of Congo! Don't misunderstand me; I have a true respect for the ocean and all of the creatures that call it home; and trust me, I burn with passionate desire to watch shark week on The Discovery Channel whenever it’s on. I'm hypnotized by their raw beauty and sheer power; but I refuse to, knowing that it will only worsen this curious anxiety that has seemed to grow over the years.
When I find my bravery I dive in, allowing my body to adapt to the cool temperature. My hands glide along the dark flat sand and I push myself up, coming back for air. I open my eyes immediately to scan for predators; I’m safe… for now. While wading there, my breathing starts to regulate itself, my blood no longer flows like toxins through its passageways, my heart makes its way toward its indented placement and my confidence is partially regained. After these wasted minutes of unreal anxiety, the ocean is no longer foe, but a familiar, much missed friend.
Perhaps it's not so much the possibility of being attacked by a raging tiger shark that scares me to the point of hyperventilation; it may not even be the fear I have of riptides and being pulled out to sea, perhaps it's the fierce mystery of the deep dark blue that's got me tied, altogether.
Sometimes, we run. I'm so guilty of it. We have our minds made up before we really know; we’ve left and gone when all we needed to do was just give it more time. I don't want to be that kid that runs from the unknown; I don’t want head for the heart of Africa before I know whether it's a dolphin or a shark of this life. I also don't want to be the kid that gets attacked by the shark either. It's a delicate balance… with a very fine line, and we’re always clinging onto that tightrope, fighting like hell not to fall one way or the other. I want to be able to enjoy the ocean (life) anxiety free. I want to face my fear of the sharks, so I can enjoy the dolphins.
It doesn't help that at this time I'm struggling to delete whatever scenes I have saved up from that son of a Mitch movie, Jaws. After this movie, I could no longer fully enjoy dolphin sightings from inside the same water, because while I am able to differentiate the dorsal fin of a dolphin from that of a shark… by the time I've spotted its peak I'm halfway to The Democratic Republic of Congo! Don't misunderstand me; I have a true respect for the ocean and all of the creatures that call it home; and trust me, I burn with passionate desire to watch shark week on The Discovery Channel whenever it’s on. I'm hypnotized by their raw beauty and sheer power; but I refuse to, knowing that it will only worsen this curious anxiety that has seemed to grow over the years.
When I find my bravery I dive in, allowing my body to adapt to the cool temperature. My hands glide along the dark flat sand and I push myself up, coming back for air. I open my eyes immediately to scan for predators; I’m safe… for now. While wading there, my breathing starts to regulate itself, my blood no longer flows like toxins through its passageways, my heart makes its way toward its indented placement and my confidence is partially regained. After these wasted minutes of unreal anxiety, the ocean is no longer foe, but a familiar, much missed friend.
Perhaps it's not so much the possibility of being attacked by a raging tiger shark that scares me to the point of hyperventilation; it may not even be the fear I have of riptides and being pulled out to sea, perhaps it's the fierce mystery of the deep dark blue that's got me tied, altogether.
Sometimes, we run. I'm so guilty of it. We have our minds made up before we really know; we’ve left and gone when all we needed to do was just give it more time. I don't want to be that kid that runs from the unknown; I don’t want head for the heart of Africa before I know whether it's a dolphin or a shark of this life. I also don't want to be the kid that gets attacked by the shark either. It's a delicate balance… with a very fine line, and we’re always clinging onto that tightrope, fighting like hell not to fall one way or the other. I want to be able to enjoy the ocean (life) anxiety free. I want to face my fear of the sharks, so I can enjoy the dolphins.
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